Asahina's Cavernous Lair of Yaoi: Lemonade
by Reluctant Fangirl
Summary: Yaoi, m/m, Kazumi/Haruto, Mutsuki being Shouta-y...this could alternatively be titled: Why No One In Haunted Junction Ever Gets Any. Sigh.


A/N: I don't own Haunted Junction, I'm not even sure why I wrote this. I tried really hard to write a Kazumi/Haruto lemon, and _this_ is what happened. The Bizarrely Serious Final Episode notwithstanding, I can't get these guys to take anything seriously. They sure as hell won't take sex seriously. 

Asahina's Cavernous Lair of Yaoi, Part I: Lemonade

It was a loverly school day at Haunted Junction High when-- 

"Mr. Chairman!" School President Haruto burst into the tiny office. 

"Shhhh!" The little old ghost was hovering in front of a huge Phillips flatscreen TV. He didn't bother to turn around as Haruto spluttered at the doorway. "Journey into the Beyond with John Edwards is on!" 

Haruto angrily stepped into the office, only to trip over a large paperback book. "Vincent Price's Price Guide to Otherworldly Collectibles and Spiritual---Ngahhhh! Mr. Chairman, I--!" 

"SHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" This time the Chairman's angry shushing was punctuated by his growing humongous and scary and spitting ecto-saliva into Haruto's face. Characteristically, Haruto screamed and ran away, throwing the huge Price Guide in his panic, shattering the Phillips flatscreen and ruining the pixellated vision of John Edwards' amazing ability to guess the first initials of dead people. "Hmmmn," Muttered the Chairman, looking worriedly at the broken television and the cloud and motion lines Haruto's retreat had left behind. 

"I'd ask what just happened, but I don't really care." Asahina said, glancing in the doorway without pausing on her way to the pool, Nino trailing behind her. 

"Asahina, would you come back here for a moment?" The Chairman called after her. 

"No." Asahina answered from down the hall. Then she muttered, "Probably wants me to report to the cafeteria to go excorcise what he says is an evil grain ghost but which I say is actually mold---hey, Nino-Cutie?" She looked around the empty hallway. "Aw, damn." 

Then she ran back to the Chairman's office, where Nino was being forced to act as a paperweight. Defeated, the shinto priest's daughter sat down and crossed her arms. 

"Ah yes, Asahina, I was just telling Nino how very immature Haruto can be." The Chairman smiled broadly at Nino-kun. "Right, Nino-kun?" 

"You think so? I wouldn't call him 'immature' so much as, like, 'dumb as a box of hair'..." Asahina looked up at the ceiling, bored already. 

"Oh no, immature's definitely the word, right Nino-kun?" Here the Chairman elbowed the stone prodigy. 

"Um, yes, I'd actually call him, um, child-like." 

"Definitely. Child-like. He really acts like someone who's oh, three or four years younger than his chronological age. And isn't he awfully short and pink and hairless? Why, it's like he hasn't gone through puberty at all!" The Chairman looked very thoughtful, as if in puzzled contemplation of Haruto's pre-pubescence. 

"He has a ridiculously deep voice and he's the tallest of any of us." Asahina said flatly. 

The two ghosts pause. 

"His voice breaks sometimes." Nino offered. 

"Okay. What the hell are you two trying to pull?" Asahina demanded. The Chairman sighed and deflated. 

"The President has been terribly uptight lately. He does all of his council duties AND tries to keep up with his classes. You and Kazumi-kun have sensibly chosen to ignore your studies. This is how the Council was designed to work. Students can't handle both studies AND extra-curricular activities!! Too much pressure! He has become angry and irrational! More so!" 

"And convincing me that he's a little boy accomplishes what?" Asahina asked. 

Both ghosts just looked at the floor and sweatdropped. 

Asahina sighed impatiently and whipped out her club. 

"Mr. Chairman..." She said warningly. "What does trying to convince me that Haruto is a little boy accomplish?" 

"Erm, well...it maybe makes you more attracted to him so that maybe you'll....relieve his stress by sleeping with him maybe?" 

**** 

In the aftermath of the explosion, as the three were cleaning ash off of the Chairman's office's ceiling, Kazumi dropped by, saw how hard everyone was working, and quickly ducked back out into the hallway. 

**** 

After she'd calmed down a bit, Asahina led the Chairman and Nino to the girl's bathroom to talk to Miss Hanoko, "Because, "she said, "Miss Hanoko is obviously the person you should've hit up for this, you idiots. She possesses two key traits that I do not: 1. She actually gives a crap about Haruto and 2. She's hugely slutty." 

The Chairman and Nino had to agree with this. Unfortunately, Miss Hanoko didn't see it that way. She was of course, greatly concerned about Haruto's well-being, but she couldn't sleep with him. "Because," she said, "bathroom spirits can't sleep with students." 

"Why not?" Asked Asahina. 

"Well, it's just not sanitary." She said earnestly, her eyes wide and blinking. 

"Um. Okay. Well, it's over then. Because I sure as hell am not doing it and Haruto doesn't know any one other than the council and the school ghosts." 

"Hmmn..." Hanoko looked adorably thoughtful. "Well, I could maybe do it if I got a corporeal form. If someone could lend me their body." 

Which brought everyone in the room to the same conclusion. 

"Kazumi!" Called Miss Hanoko. 

"Yes? Oh, dammit. " Kazumi had been outside the bathroom listening, and had resolved that under no circumstances was he getting involved in this stupid plan, but then Miss Hanoko called and his instincts just took over and he immediately popped his head inside. 

"You've even done it before!" Said Asahina gleefully. 

"Well, technically there was no sex involved that time, so I still have my male virginity to worry about here!" Kazumi tried to back away, but Nino and the Chairman had already blocked the door. 

"Oh Kazumi-kun. There's no such thing as male virginity!" Hanoko giggled. 

"Wha--yeah there is!" Kazumi insisted. 

"No, there isn't, silly, ask Red Mantle!" 

"Wait, why can't Red Mantle do this? Haruto's all about him! Although, that might be sort of--" 

"--Unsanitary." Everyone in the bathroom finished for him. 

"God I hate that rule." Kazumi looked longingly at Miss Hanoko. 

"Listen, Kazumi, I really don't think that you have to worry about your, ahem--" Asahina rolled her eyes. "--male virginity, or whatever, let me show you something..." 

Asahina led them to one of the larger storage spaces in the basement of the school, which had a huge stainless steel door and a very high-tech digitized locking system. She touched a button on the computer screen next to the stainless steel door, passed the voice scanner and dna profile, put in two more codes, and got to a text screen with an expressive and overly paranoid warning message on it, she swore and scanned through four paragraphs of boringness, then pressed the period at the end of the third sentence of the second paragraph of the "warning", thus assuring the storage space that she was over seventeen, (skillfully ignoring the large "enter" button, which would have, of course, led to an incredibly annoying and snotty message about how she didn't read the warning screen), the steel door slid open and opened the door to Asahina's Cavernous Lair of Yaoi. 

Asahina flicked on a light, revealing a huge room filled with yaoi doujinshi, tapes, dvd's, and action figures in lewd positions. 

"Wow!" Said Hanoko, visibly impressed. 

"Yeah, okay, I'm out." Kazumi turned to leave, but Asahina grabbed the scruff of his collared shirt. 

"C'mon, this could take a while." 

Kazumi whimpered. 

And over the course of the next few hours she explained wild and wonderful world of yaoi, (with a special emphasis on shouta) to Kazumi, and the four ghosts, using some of her many many visual examples. Kazumi didn't dare to interrupt her passionate yaoi lecture, which was he found squicky and hilarious and uncomfortably interesting, all at the same time. Red Mantle and Miss Hanoko on the other hand, were listening rapturously, and Red was taking copious notes. 

"Okay, okay." Kazumi finally had to ask, "All of this is...fascinating...it's really like a whole other world which I never even dreamed existed...but, anyway...what does all of this have to do with my precious male virginity?" 

"Ah, yes, this brings us to the concept of 'Seme' vs. 'Uke'. " Asahina snapped her fingers and Nino-kun shut off the lights and turned on the overhead, on which he had arranged several shotakon transparancies. A huge picture of two bishounen in flagrante delecto appeared on one of the walls. 

"Now according to my calculations, you, Kazumi, will be the 'seme'." 

"Um. Is the 'seme' that little boy? Because he looks sort of upset and confused, and while I am feeling that way right now, I really don't think I want to be the little boy." 

"No, the 'seme' is that guy. On top of. The boy." Nino-kun corrected him. 

"Yes, very good Nino-kun," Asahina beamed at him. "The seme is masculine, strong, yet gentle, and very seductive. See, look how happy the uke is now." Here Nino-kun put up a transparancy where the seme and uke are getting dressed going back to class or work or somewhere, the uke in surprisingly good spirits, having completely laughed off the last fourteen pages. 

"The seme is all that?" Kazumi was aghast. " I can't be all that! I have no idea what to do!" 

"Well...." Asahina paused, "That's true, you would be a woefully inadequete seme. Hey, Hanoko was willing to take over your body for you, she may be female but I bet she'd make a way better seme than you." Hanoko beamed modestly, and looked hopefully at Kazumi. 

"No way!" Kazumi exclaimed, "Miss Hanoko is the Woman upon which all other women were modelled, which means that she'd probably put me right into the upset little boys shoes! Or rather, his little socks. And also, what is up with the little baby socks? I'm totally not doing this if Haruto's socks are all tiny ." 

"Look, we aren't going to leave you alone until you do this. Assuming that Haruto's socks are adult enough for you, will you freaking do this?" 

"I can sum up my response in two words: Hell. No." 

Twenty minutes later: 

"Haruto! Your friend's here! I didn't know you had any of those!!" Haruto's mother called up the stairs. 

****** 

As soon as Haruto (who was overjoyed at having something as 'normal' and 'high school' as a guy friend), Kazumi bit the bullet and just jumped his esteemed President, throwing him on the bed, and straddling him. _How's that for manly,_ he thought to himself proudly. 

Haruto thought quickly and came to the logical conclusion. 

"Oh no! Kazumi's been possessed by a very friendly dog!" He exclaimed. 

Kazumi sighed. 

"Where's Asahina's when you need her, um, I know! I'll summon Nino---" Haruto continued, presidential and heroic to the last. Kazumi tried to think seme, and he just closed his eyes and kissed Haruto's mouth. 

"Mph. Or maybe he's been possessed by a...a...suckerfish! Yes! I bet those are harder to excorcise, what with the sucking and all! I'll yell for my dad and he can excorcise---" 

"No!" Exclaimed Kazumi, scrambling off the bed. " Do NOT call your Christian Minister Dad up here! Oh, for crying out loud." _So much for getting it over with quickly_, he thought. _Haruto probably needs to be _courted_ first. And held afterwards. Aw, man--_

__"Kazumi-kun?" Haruto sat up looking rumpled and blonde and worried. Kazumi looked over at him, and noticed how the sunlight from the window glittered in his hair, how wide and blue his eyes were, and then Kazumi caught himself. Then he shrugged. _I guess it wouldn't kill me to do a little finessing. And hell, Haruto's a good looking guy, right? Definitely cute enough to buy dinner for first. Not steak or anything, but--_

"Kazumi-kun?" Haruto repeated. "Are you all right? Because I was sort of hoping that you came over so that we could do stuff like normal high school guys do, like play basketball and whatever. " 

"Oh, well., uh, yeah. That's exactly what I came over for. Normal high school guy stuff." 

"But you jumped me and kisssed me." 

"Yeah...normal high school guys do that.." _In gay porn and Asahina's comic books,_ Kazumi thought to himself. 

"No...I don't think they do." Haruto looked dubious. 

"Well, how would you know?" 

"Fair enough." Haruto hopped off the bed. "Well, what else do normal guys do?" 

"Well...They talk about stuff. Like I could ask you, 'How was your day today?' And now you tell me how your day was." 

"Oh! Okay. Well, my day sucked. I was chasing this ghosty thing up and down the hall, and then it went up the wall and onto the ceiling and so when I ran up after it I fell off the wall and hit my head. Because, you know, of gravity." 

"Dude, you always do that." 

"Yeah. Should be able to see that coming by now. I wrenched my neck, too." Haruto winced, rubbing his neck. 

"Oh hey, lemme get that for you." Kazumi said, in a moment of rare inspiration. 

"You give neck rubs?" Haruto looked surprised. 

"Yep. Buddhist monk thing." Kazumi said offhandedly, figuring that Haruto wouldn't know any different. 

Haruto sat back down on the bed, and Kazumi sat behind him, kneading his neck. Haruto, who was rarely touched by other people, tensed up at first. But after a while he sighed in pleasure, and relaxed under the strength of Kazumi's hands on him. _Okay_, thought Kazumi, _this is good_. 

"Hey, Haruto, how would you like to go out to dinner with me?" 

And somewhere, Asahina Mutsuki slapped a hand to her forehead in disgust. 

The End. 

A/N: Yes, well. If you want to know if Kazumi got anywhere with Haruto, you'll have to pump Kazumi for information tomorrow morning at school, just like the Chairman, Mutsuki, The Bathroom Ghosts and I are all going to have to. And yes, I'm very sorry that there was no lemon happening here, but Haruto's not that kinda guy, and also, Kazumi really doesn't have the hang of this seme thing, does he? Will he improve? With Haruto catch on? Will Asahina beat the crap out of Kazumi if he doesn't start getting some action soon? 

(Shrug.) 

I dunno. 


End file.
